*(No one can prove it’s fake until we get there.)*
Vice President Mike Pence has a sex scandal with Ivanka Trump after having been left alone in a room with her for 10 minutes without his wife. When asked if he will resign, Pence comments: “Oh, no way. I mean, come on, it’s not like I did any gay shit.”
When asked his feelings in regards to the scandal, President Trump responds: “I’m not jealous! Who said I was jealous? That’s fake news, and it’s just sad. You think I couldn’t have gotten Ivanka? Of course I could have, but I chose not to. That was my decision, and it was a tough decision, but I made it, because I’m classy, tremendously classy, and that’s what classy guys do.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan successfully cuts all U.S. welfare programs, replacing them instead with his “Modest Proposal Bill” which allows U.S. citizens to eat babies, so long as said baby is an immigrant, refugee, or offspring of 2 registered Democrats. “It’s like killing 5 birds with one really awesome stone!” resounds Ryan, who subsequently calls a “congressional timeout” to force the House of Representatives to listen to an Ayn Rand book-on-tape while he shows “the haters” just how much he can bench press.
Thanks to both the Modest Proposal Bill and the EQUALLY HORRIBLE Electoral College, President Trump is elected to a second term.
However, in a stunning twist of fate, Senator Bernie Sanders is bitten by a radioactive spider, develops super socialist powers, and begins cleaning up the streets and congressional hallways of Washington D.C. as the amazing Socialist-Spider!
President Trump responds to rising tensions within the nation by launching a small, controlled nuclear strike on a Black Lives Matter rally. Attempting to selflessly shield the crowd from the blast with his own body, Harvard Professor Cornel West later emerges from the devastation as the Black Hulk, eloquently exclaiming: “We have to recognize that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence… and SMASHING!”
Arnold Schwarzenegger adopts the moniker of “Captain California”, and gathers together the Socialist-Spider and the Black Hulk to form the Liberal Avengers, a coalition to get the U.S. back on track by means of focused legislation, expansive education, rigorous regulation, and brutal ass-whoopin’s.
President Trump responds to the formation of the Liberal Avengers by creating the “Tremendous and Bigly Impressive Legion of the Classiest and Best Doom That Ever Grabbed a Pussy”.
To the shock and dismay of every rational person on the planet, the Second Coming of Jesus actually happens.
To the shock of no one, but the dismay of everyone, the Second Crucifixion of Jesus happens and immediately goes viral on YouTube.
Thanks to the national implementation of “Morphine Pudding Mondays”, no one seems to have noticed that no elections were ever held in 2024 and that Donald Trump still remains our president, nor do they notice that the Vice President seems to have been replaced by a large pile of money wearing Groucho Marx glasses and a hat.
Senator Elizabeth Warren commissions the engineers at MIT to design and construct a real-life “Lariat of Truth”, and upon its completion, she joins the Liberal Avengers as Wonder Warren.
In response to the Liberal Avengers adding a woman to their roster, President Trump drastically changes his strategy for dealing with the Liberal Avengers to focus almost entirely on calling them fat, ugly, old, and “totally someone I wouldn’t wanna bang”.
The presidential election somehow ends up being between Donald Trump and a cardboard cutout of Kanye West. Despite the cardboard cutout of Kanye West winning the election in an overwhelming landslide, Trump usurps the presidency in a massive power grab (*That should say “pussy grab”, right? Really?! Are you sure? A’ight then.*), I repeat, power grab, has the cardboard cutout of Kanye West executed, and takes office, changing his title in the process to “Tremendously Classy Lord-President-King Donald Trump Whose Hands Are So Very Big and He Is the Best”.
To the relief of many, Elon Musk finally finishes his “Lifeboat to Mars”, and invites everyone on earth to leave the Orwellian nightmare that the earth has become and join him in pioneering an elaborate Martian colony. His only requirement is that applicants pass a simple test that assesses basic scientific literacy and the ability to think rationally using consistent logic.
Sadly, having utterly failed the incredibly simple and jaw-droppingly easy test of scientific literacy and logical reasoning, the vast majority of U.S. citizens are left behind as the rest of humanity successfully moves on to continue life on Mars.
Seizing their newfound opportunity, dolphins enslave the remains of humanity, and begin work on their own civilization. It’s a pretty dope civilization, by dolphin standards. At least for the dolphins, it is. Not the humans, though. Definitely not the humans.